Hollywood & Slime: Old Acquaintance Billy Crystal a Winning 2012 Oscars Host
by Andrea Billups
Posted 12/31/2011 ET

It’s our last column of the year, but we leave you with a happy heart and no regrets, with the possible exception that we did not take our Bigfoot hunting trip and that we briefly considered becoming brunette. Ick. As if.

Have you found your Oscars gown (tux) yet? Time is ticking—this year’s show is set for Feb. 26, with venerable host Billy Crystal aboard (good times). If you’re going, it’s probably too late for lipo. We recommend a crash diet and full-body Spanx. Everybody in Hollywood is 20 pounds skinnier than you. They are.

As many of you have come to know, we have a major girl-crush on actress Zooey Deschanel, and we discovered her weird greatness long before she became a TV star. Thus, as a tough year ends, we pass along this sweet little uplifting musical ditty—with co-star Joseph Gordon-Levitt —that has been making the rounds in cyberspace. Old song, modern rendition. Enjoy, funseekers:watch?v=aSq1cez_flQ&feature=player_embedded

Those new Fiats are supercute in a Euro-goes-enviro way. But does anyone really think that Jennifer Lopez, who stars in the Fiat ads driving the tiny cars through Gotham, would evah drive one? It’d be like Mike Tyson in a Mini Cooper. Never gonna happen.

Do you think FLOTUS Michelle Obama paid for those pricey Hawaiian vacation frocks that have sent fashionista tongues a waggin’ and political opponent fingers a shakin’? Expensive wardrobing, if so. We will say this: At least she looks good in them. Partisanship aside, she does. And … they are not polyester pantsuits. There’s that.

Sinead O’Connor’s explanation for her 16-day marriage seems awfully kooky, no? She was searching for wedding-night weed in the Vegas hood and her new hubby was a drug counselor? Let’s just go with he married you because you were famous and then found out you were a nut. And you felt bad. Sorta.

Sometimes the weather himbos can be so high-strung. Best live meltdown in a long time:

American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson has endorsed GOP presidential contender Ron Paul. Why, we have no idea, other than he’s a fellow Texan, and perhaps somewhere along the line, someone must have told her that her vast opinion on national political affairs mattered. #musicyeswonkeryno.

Retired hoops legend Michael Jordan is engaged. Cute girl-toy, natch. Would LOVE to read this prenup. IRONCURTAIN-tight, no doubt.

Our New Year’s resolution: We promise not to view any pix of Rihanna in a swimsuit, or read any story about ANY Kardashian—even the cute teenage ones who are about to go over the publicity abyss. After the sleazy TV wedding and the pathetic marriage split, we’re done. #overexposedanddumb

Speaking of which: Pop princess Katy Perry and Brit comic Russell Brand are on the rocks—shocking. For sure we felt they had a chance.

From our proud headbanger files: Van Halen—yes, with David Lee Roth out front—will launch a tour in 2012. We’ve still got quite a rock ‘n’ roll love jones for Eddie, so this geriatric concertfest is a must-see. 40th anniversary. Lordy, pass the hair spray AND the Botox. We are old.

And finally, funseekers… before you embark on your New Year’s fitness goals, you must try this. OMG, TDF. Made in America, too.

Rarely does the Diva give 10′s. But the black Ralph Lauren gown sported by the first lady on her trip to Britain is flawless.
It’s also accessorized perfectly, chunky choker and bracelet not overpowering her statuesque frame. Hair, so chic. We are blubbering over this one, kids. And we thought she couldn’t one-up the opera gloves.
Fashion swoon.

Holy fashion collision — Michelle Obama in the same room as Katherine Middleton, or as we at Diva Central like to call her: Di 2.0.

As the Obama couple makes a run to a place where they are liked — Ireland and Britain – sorta, kinda, the first wives created a powerful fashion stir as they mix and mingle amid a fun state visit.

Wonder what they talked about? Wonder if Michelle will shop Issa or Top Shop? Maybe it will be fitness. That Kate is a sliver of a woman, disappearing ever further as her wedding loomed. Mebbe Michelle will take her for a burger or a banger? Or maybe it’ll be all about the shoes. Should not Madonna be a third here? Or even Posh across the pond — nope, too preggers to fly.

We totally are inspired by this couture confab.

Pip pip… and cherio, lovies.

You lie to your wife for 10 years about a love child — so you will look bulletproof in a run for governor. And then, when she leaves you, you admit it, just as you plan a return to movies.
Probably the saving grace is any future film career is now ruined for the aging Arnold Schwarzenegger — poetic justice if you ask the diva.
Cheaters never prosper. Write that one down.

This week has been tremendously heinous. We need something better than Vitamin V to take the edge off. Oh, wait. Valentino. Florals. For summer. Neiman Marcus, take me away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All things considered, we give the royal wedding gown a fabulous 10 on the diva scale of fashion. Yes, it was McQueen and modern, but it didn’t wear HER? The focus remained on the bride. And this is the mark of success, especially in the global fashion glare. Kate was the story, not her frock.

Princess Beatrice, Sarah Ferguson’s little progeny, showed up with a serious extermination problem on her head!
Lordy didya see that hat. Aliens have landed, or, as galpal Ruth mused: we thought folks could use it as a carnival game ring toss at the reception.
Yikes. Who lets someone leave the house with THAT on their head? WHACK!

Katy Perry, a girl who looks like bubblegum hearts float out of her pores, offered a little surprise to her fans during her Grammy presentation Sunday night. See it?

Video — heretofore unseen — of her Indian wedding to Brit comic Russell Brand. And ya know, it looked sweet. Not gimmicky, but truly heartfelt. And this pleases the Diva ever so.

Another thing that inspires: Cee Lo Green. Gwyneth Paltrow — gag reflex engaged. But the big guy is THE MAN.

Carry on.

A shout out to Nancy Reagan, all tiny size-2 diva that she is.

She made red dresses powerful and fun. And she knew what was right — on her. That’s a gift and a skill. We could learn a fashion lesson from Nancy — petite or full-bodied. Color is good and style is personal.

Please make a note of it.

We rather doubt La Lohan took a $2,500 necklace, which is like buying Avon jewelry in Hollywood. Now seriously.

If she took Fred Leighton or some sort of precious bauble, then we’d be saying haul her to the pokey. But in Celebrityville, a $2,500 accessory is chump change and we’re pretty sure Lindsay ain’t gonna scotch her newfound freedom for THAT.

Seriously.

We hope she’s trying hard to keep it together and we wish folks would leave her alone.

The Diva has spoken. Haters, shut up.

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Oh, Christina. Ever since your split from hubbie, you look like the wheels are coming off. Sort of Tara Reid when the wheels were coming off. Memba her? Wasted, nipples a-flinging?

Now, Miss Tara looks AMAZING — 5-star diva snaps — and you look way tranny. Puffy, pudgy, and with hair that makes Britney look like she’s got a great weave. Snap out of it little sister. Get a better colorist, a trainer and refocus. Even with all that wowza vocal talent, you’re looking awfully trampy. It’s sad.

The Diva corrects because she loves.

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It’s too cold to be anywhere but inside. The Diva thanks God for Uggs, down coats and other bad weather gear. It’s hard to be cute when you are so bundled up and pouffy, but the Diva being herself, is deeply committed to trying.

Deep thoughts ensue:

Charlie Sheen has a super nice group of current and former hookers and porn stars, ya know. And they all seem to dig him, even when he’s batso. Even in the clinches of an addiction spiral that could no doubt kill him, he’s a mensch. We sure hope he gets better. It’s costing CBS a bundle with him away from his show.

The Diva ponders a new Benzer — in red. Is this so wrong, a red car? Or too much? Lately, the Diva feels a need to burst out of her shell — hard to believe, but true — and a red car just seems so happy and “get outta my way” fresh. We must consider whether it becomes a big tomato-esque nuisance after the novelty wears off. Decisions, decisions.

Less than three weeks before the Academy Awards show. Man, restaurants in Hollywood must be sad cause no one who is anyone is eating a thing. Oh, the fashion pressure. Biggest red carpet night of the year. We cannot wait to assess (make total fun of) the procession. One thing we’d like to say, straightaway: You wear a big ball gown, you pull the hair up. None of this Malibu coif whilst donning Oscar or Marchesa. This is the motherlode of events. Dress accordingly funseekers.

Buy these shoes (click above) to cure your winter blues. You simply must.

xo

Blondie Bondie — and she likes dogs!

Pam Bondi — Florida Attorney General. Smart, pretty, serious — TDF.

Loving her. Now on the Diva’s New Blondes We Love (NBWL) watch list. Oh, snaps. Pretty girls in power!!!!  The khaki-wearers must really hate her, too.

Our people rule

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We have missed Winona Ryder. Like many Americans, we love stories of redemption, so seeing her on the red carpet at Sunday night’s SAG Awards was a terrific surprise. She’s been out of star orbit it seems and unlike many of the haters, we are cheering for her return to fine form — the past be damned. Robert Downey Jr. came back, right? So high hopes for Winona.

We also like her princess-chic cream dress. Yes, it was billowy. Yes, some fashion-types dubbed it prom wear. But was thought it soft and romantical — taking the edge off a girl who needs some smoothing. There were lots of gaffes, some folks who were near unrecognizable. And more folks who simply played it safe. But we thought Winona was fabulous. So Diva snaps for her — and hoping that she’s back on track soonest.

As you all know by now, “Heathers” is one of the Diva’s all-time fave films. If you’ve seen it, you will totally understand why. Instinctively.

TTFN

should get a lot more criticism than Sarah Palin for many of the same reasons flung at the former Alaska governor.

That nervous smile makes her look a tad kookshow.

Oh, you can take the moral high ground and pretend you don’t miss him on regular radio. Because a lot of people do. On satellite, his legion of devotees have followed but a lot of others who aren’t into satellite could stand a good Ba-Ba-Booey-esque fix.

What if they paired him with sweet — yet also tart — Kelly Ripa? We think she’s got some freak in her and all bets are off for what Howard might do on television in a studio-audience setting.

Oh, no? You’re thinking he’d scare the grandmas and housewives who no doubt make up the viewing audience in that time slot?

The Diva thinks otherwise. We think he’d be charming, fun, certainly irreverent, but also smart enough to walk the fine line that would keep him in the seat. With Jeff Probst or some other cute yet benign personality like Mario Lopez, you really get nothing. Other than cute and benign. You want to KEEP an audience, you hire someone provocative.

Stern doesn’t need the money for sure. But, he’d be FABULOUS.  Unconventional and oh-so watchable. The Diva is a casting genius.

Ponder, discuss.

C’mon. You know you remember your grandmother, your mother rocking out in front of the television with the chair and the towel. Jack LaLanne didn’t need a magic circle or balance ball or a elliptical trainer or a Bowflex. He knew that the path to working out was simple. Get out of the chair and make it happen. Nothing fancy about that.

He was a fitness inspiration long before Gold’s had a gym, or Jane Fonda had a video. And he kept up his hopeful message of  ”it’s never too late” for all of his life. A true original. This is what the Diva — herself an original — truly admires.

He’s probably up there in heaven right now doing squat thrusts and knee-bends, keeping God’s angel band in shape. RIP.

The Diva gives a resounding thumbs up this week to the following:

1. To Piers Morgan for doing insightful interviews without yelling, spewing nasty rhetoric or trying too hard. A great first week.

2. To Gabby Giffords — and also to God above — for the miraculous recovery after a horrific shooting. Keep fighting, chica. The Diva sends love and respect.

3. To J-Lo and the American Idol crew: Perhaps this show is not dead after all. We’ll be watching.

4. To all the unsung who make our world easier — the dudes who scrape our icy roads, the postal carriers who deliver in shivering temps, the shoe salespeople who help rationalize that perhaps three new pairs of Uggs are better than one.

Happy weekend, funseekers. TTFN

The Diva is gonna give it to you straight: If our prez is coloring his graying coif, then bravo to the brother because you can never try too hard to be too glam. Or less gray.

He’s far too young to present as a dude who’s getting old — much like the Diva herself — so if he’s dipping into the Hair Club for Men, a little Nice & Easy, or even Dark & Lovely — cool!

He’s superfit and rocking the nerd chic in a great way. Plus, when you look good, you project control and right now, he needs a big dose of that. We like our smoke neat with a little mirrors on the side

Plus — Have you seen the price of hairspray? HELLO. Add to that the cost of a quality spa mani-pedi et voila — times is tough. There IS a price for beauty. Keep up on those roots 44. No shame in maintenance. The Diva speaketh.

Air kiss, air kiss.

are on Tuesday morning. Tres excited. As we are every year!

Who do you like?