We secretly want to be Amy Winehouse, but we’re not skinny enough to pull off the heroin-chic. We need better ideas, other than princess. We are that nearly every year.

Wonder who Marie Osmond uses as a plastic surgeon? Cause it’s super great work.

The tragedy that has befallen Jennifer Hudson is too much for anyone to take. We feel so bad for her and her family. Anyone who could shoot a 7-year-old boy in the head deserves the reaches of hell.

Are there gray hairs in the Barack Obama head? Some of his handlers need to break out the hair club for men. We don’t need a youthful prez with a headfull of gray, ya know . It kinda kills the buzz. We dug the photos of him in Hawaii wearing jeans and sandals. So modern.

We secretly wish Annie Liebowitz would take photos of us. She’s genius.

Saving Abel is our new fave band. We LOVE them and you should, too.

In our quieter moments we are thinking of our troops overseas. We hope you never forget them either. They deserve our ongoing prayers.

The latest victims of Chicago’s ongoing murder spell are sadly the mother and brother of singer/actress Jennifer Hudson. We feel bad for her, but we do hope the publicity these murders generate helps to spur the city to get ahold of its crime rate and fight back harder against the gun and gang violence that has plagued certain areas of the city.

This is Chicago’s South Side, Barack Obama’s home turf. It has also made the city the murder capital of the nation. The (fairly) new police chief seems to be in trouble there, as murders have spiked under his watch. If city lawmakers weren’t outraged before, they ought to be now.

Did we mention Miss Hudson’s nephew is apparently missing — he’s 7. Good news, tho. The thug life who shot them is now in custody. We sure hope they find the little boy alive.

A very tragic story…..we send our diva condolences to Jennifer.

In her recent sit-down with PEOPLE mag, our Sarah muses that she wants her preggers teen daughter to move forward with a wedding at age 18. She acknowledges that the teen sperminator has dropped out of school to work and praises his desire to support his new family.

We gotta say we think that’s WAY off base. These two kids need to be finishing school and going to college. They can have the baby but they must think about a future that isn’t so Alaska blue-collar. No offense, but really. They need educations. And getting married can wait til say, they’re 21. At 18, no one is in a good head space to make a decision on marriage. It seems kind of out of touch to suggest otherwise. We know she wants them to do the moral thing, but golly she seems to be glossing over the realities of what is going on.

Love you, Sarah. But we just can’t agree on this one.

We kind of like the DJ AM/Mandy Moore re-coupling.

We think they are cute together and work.

We hope Maniston is over. For her sake.

We are shocked Paris and Benji have made it this long.

And we wonder if our Tommy and Pam are still trying to make it work.

We wonder how long before Lindsay craves the pole and breaks Samatha’s heart. Sorry, but we think it’s bound to happen, given the history.

What couples do you like, not like, despise?

Hollywood love is really hard. Not that real, ugly-normal people love isn’t. All we’re sayin……….

Gas is way cheaper, lending rates are up, credit crunch is abating, the market is slowly rebounding.

The economy is cyclical, people. Have some faith in the USA. For now.

And we think that chick who won Project Runway needs a better haircut. She looks like a post-modern Dickens novel character, no? Great frocks, bad do. She could be on another reality show. Where is that Carson when we need him?

You know whose style we love. Kate Middleton, Prince William’s English rose slampiece. She gets it right a lot. So naturally pretty and real looking. We bet he closes this deal. We hope so. We can’t wait to watch the wedding. Those royals still know how to throw a party.

There is a cool story about her in this month’s Vanity Fair. That mag lost us for a time but we are squarely back and loving it. You should check it out.

Travis Barker is out of the burn unit and home. We hope he continues to heal on all levels. We wish he and Shanna could reunite. We are nothing if not a romantic. Bahahahahahahaaaaaa.

If Jen Aniston hooks up again with John Mayer she has poor judgment. Mayer is a 30-something boy and we aren’t impressed. All we’re sayin’…..

We thought Obama and McCain were truly funny at the Al Smith hoopty dinner last nite in New York. Have ya seen the video? McCain made Hillary laugh really hard. Now that’s something. Watch em.

We probably will see the film “W.” Even though we are not a Bush-hater like most everyone.

Let us start the countdown clock now on Madonna and A-Rod and their first public appearance. After the legal eagles have carved up her fortune and the kiddies.

Man, if Brangelina split, that would be one fearsome custody battle, no?

Maureen Orth is the best journalist working, to our mind.

Martha Stewart has a brindled French bulldog named Francesca Blackbird, which is the sweetest name ever. He’s in Vanity Fair, too.

We are starting to think you get better service and treatment on Greyhound versus any airline. The help is pathetic. No wonder they are all falling into bankruptcy.

Oy, Madge……so it didn’t work out. We’re not surprised. Not many men in this world can live up to your creative force. Yes, you’re tough, but you’re also fab. We figured this would happen eventually. Guy Ritchie’s star is falling, you keep reinventing yourself to international acclaim. He’s baggage. You need to pick another cute guy to live with but bag the whole marriage crap. You need companionship but without all the heartache.

Hold onto the money, sister. You need Sir Paul McCartney’s attorney. A serious fortune is at stake and you need to protect yourself if this turns nasty.

We hope you are ok. We’ll have to take a little down time to cope. We’ll also need an adult beverage straightaway. First you announce your split. And then Nancy Reagan is hospitalized. It’s been a dark diva day.

Today our esteemed diva posse galpal Janelle has a birthday. We honor her because she is not only an exemplary person, but also a five-star mom. She is one of those girls who manages to juggle everything beautifully. Three kids, all gorgeously turned out, smart, well-mannered and curious. A husband who loves them all. Wonderful Christian home on the Texas hill country.

Oh, did we mention she’s like a size 2 with a smashing haircut and a master’s degree and well…..the list of attributes goes on and on. She can kick your ass in the kitchen and write like a pro, too.

You don’t get any more divalicious than her. She puts us all to shame.

xoxo

Judge Tosses Hair Dye Lawsuit for Blonde Who Had Less Fun as Brunette

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,434402,00.html

AS IF.

We are so divaliciously busy, we have roots. ROOTS. No time to get to the salon for a quick fix either.

Still, we are delighted to see so many bona fide movie stars on television these days. Harvey Keitel is suitably insane on “Life on Mars.” Still totally crazy after all these years. Christian Slater, another of our favorite insane actors posse members, is back on “My Own Worst Enemy,” which kinda sounds like a biopic for him. Angela Bassett, who is far too good for the small screen, is now a top doc on “ER,” while Selma Blair is giving up the yucks with former-SNL star Molly Shannon on “Kath & Kim,” among many others.

We should be into the new “Desperate Housewives” but we aren’t. It just isn’t hitting us, although we are eager to see a new episode of “Lipstick Jungle,” by far our fave.

We hear Janet Jackson and Madonna may soon be living in Miami. Madge is gonna work on a new record with her former junior collaborator Justin Timberlake. Janet and her boy Jermaine Dupri visit Miami often and dig the area. A host of others make homes there including Missy Elliott and Diddy. We can totally understand the appeal. SOBE is as rockin’ as ever. If you go, visit the Standard Hotel. They have bathtubs on outdoor terraces to their rooms. So sexy, taking a bath outdoors. And the pool atmosphere is unmatched. Very Euro and fun.

We are considering a winter vacation to the Virgin Islands and a stay at Caneel Bay, the resort on St. John. If there is a nicer place, please tell us. Cause this is beyond peaceful and gorgeous in an old-school way.

In other news, it’s not cool to call things “gay” when you think they are bad. This from a new public relations campaign featuring a ton of celebs including Hillary Duff. Memba her?  What does she do for a living? We forgot. And has that Mischa Barton acted at all lately? She is also one of the Young Hollywooders who are kinda career MIA.

We think Hugh Hefner ought to rethink his relationship with Holly. He’s no spring chicken and strangely, we thought she really loved him. We know she wants kids and a marriage. Why does he balk? We think he’s making a huge mistake. Even for him and his playboy reputation, the bimbo parade is kinda tired. Go get her Hef and make her an honest woman before you have a stroke and are in the nursing home. Seriously.

So Barack Obama is The One.

We thought WE were The One.

AS IF.

Ah, if we all had the moxie of Rachel Zoe. Sure, some of her self-absorbed whining gets to us, but she works in Hollywood. Considering who her clients are, and her industry, we could understand. Still, she has this bravado with her employees that says “get your crap together because I’m busy ruling the world.”

If only we could carry ourselves this way in the business world. Such confidence. We can see why she’s rich and sought-after because her vision is super-clear. We wanna be more like Rachel. (But we do think she could use a bit of facial filler, a little Restylane around the nasal folds. She’s thin, but getting droopy. And the docs can totally fix that.)

In other news, Kim Kardashian has been bounced from DWTS. No surprise. She wasn’t the worst dancer but we suspect viewers have Kim fatigue, in that “what is SHE famous for other than being pretty?” She is lovely, yes, but she can’t shake her booty much, given its size and scope.

We’d be lyin’ if we said we can’t wait for the Sarah Palin-Joe Biden debate. Our money is on the sister to do way better than folks (and haters) expect.

xoxo

A headline on Fox News asks: Are all those free-market capitalists dead?

BITE ME. K?

The market will correct. Didya see what happened today? No panic, no massive sell-off. We are America, dammit. And if you aren’t feeling comfortable with that, here’s one for ya: At least we aren’t Pakistan. Or Venezuela. So shut up. This will resolve soon enough. Oh boy, we are going to buy Starbucks for a song!!!!!

We’d be lyin’ if we said we weren’t stoked for the Sarah Palin-Joe Biden debate. Eat him alive, missy. It’s your last stand.

DJ AM attended the memorial for Travis Barker’s personal assistant who died in the plane crash. Morbidly, he didn’t look as bad as we thought he might. A gruesome red burn poked out from his chest, but the face is still intact and candidly, that’s a good thing cause he’s a performer of sorts. Man, is he one lucky record-spinning cat.

We were super remiss not mentioning Paul Newman’s death. We knew he’d been ill, but hearing about it certainly stung. Perhaps the one thing that stands out is this: If our Hollywood stars did half as much philanthropic work as Paul — and also followed his lead to eschew Hollywood and an ego-driven life — how much more good could there be in the world? Astronomical potential for changing lives, no?

When much is given, much is expected. Paul’s charitable contributions nearly outshone his acting work and he will be remembered for being good, not just famous.

We admire the way he kept his marriage together, too. No small feat in his business or anyone’s really.

We’ll miss him, but at least we’ve got some yummy salad dressing and sauce.

—————

Well, it’s a sad day on Wall Street, but candidly, we are happy the lawmakers in the House of Representatives said no to this bailout deal. It just enables the same greedy folks to keep on being greedy with no consequences. We know it’s far more complicated than that, but still. Stop throwing money at people who don’t know how to manage it. They deserve to be punished. Crash, burn and rebuild. And watch gas prices go down, down, down.

————

Turning our attention to worthless celeb goo….Is it just us or is that Cheryl Burke from Dancing with the Stars porking out this season. Girl look big! She’s solid, but wider.

That Warren Sapp — amid reports that he’s this year’s on-set diva — is rocking the ballroom hard for a big man. Seriously, we are a dancer and we are shocked at his footwork. Perhaps all those gridiron drills over the years have paid off. His partner is a vixen, too. What a bod!!! They have been outrageous thus far. An unlikely success story.

BTW: We’d love to have host Samantha’s arms. So muscular yet sleek.

———–

Happy Rosh Hashanah, y’all. We could completely dig some matzo ball soup about now.

Dear Princesses:

When this whole new financial bailout goes south, remember who voted for it. And vote THEM out of office.

This deal is totally a bad idea in the long run.

All we’re sayin.

That, and we feel superbad for Miss Heather Locklear. Perhaps the psychopharms she got at the rehab are a bad combo cause she wasn’t drunk.

We don’t like Tina Fey. We think she is one smug rhymes with witch. We’d like to see her debate Sarah Palin. Most of those Hollywood types are outed as stupid once they are called on the carpet to defend their views.

We think Lipstick Jungle is off to a fab start and can’t wait to see this week’s episode.

Scarlett Johannson marries at 23. That’ll last.

DJ AM and Travis Barker seemed to be getting along much better. AM has returned to LA and Travis should be out in a coupla weeks. That is great news. 

We love the elle.com/astrology horoscopes. You should check em out.

We bought galpal Jill a purple pumpkin for Halloween but she doesn’t know it yet. We got some dark chocolate M&Ms, too. We love Halloween and plan to wear our tiara (natch) and pass out candy. When little kids ask us ‘what are you?’ we say what we always say, even when it isn’t Halloween: A princess.

AS IF

If all of the rest of us did our jobs like these no-account lawmakers in Washington, the world would stop, no? NOTHING would get done.

And yet we elected these bimbos to use our money and take action.

Pa-freakin-thetic.

What do we admire most about Veep nominee Sarah Palin? Her cheekbones. Have ya noticed? Those are fierce, particularly on a politico. She’s got a fabulous complexion and her make-up is thus far spectacular. We are totally psyched about having someone attractive in the White House (other than that thoroughbred Dana Perino, whose haircut and fashion make us tres, tres jealous.) She’s a Diva fave.

Maybe if Congress had some wine or other assorted adult beverages, this “compromise” on the economy might be easier. Good to see these lawmakers forced to do something for a change. Over the last year or two, they’ve pretty much hunkered down and done nothing. We should measure their pay against their progress. That’d light a fire under their privileged asses.

Are you putting your money in gold, under your mattress or offshore? We will continue to make investments in what we know works: haircolor, handbags and of course, footwear. The world may be coming undone, but at least we’ll be looking swell at the recession or whatever term they are now using for tough times.

We’re sad at where this nation is headed. We’re so upset we’re considering making a delicious recipe for brie-crab pasta. It’s kinda of a fancy way of doing mac and cheese and some seafood, a glorified cheesy “tuna” casserole. 

Perhaps we need some wine — and if Congress gets anything done, we’ll certainly be toasting them at our usual Friday happy hour.

We are headed off into the wild north to “hike.” Actually, we’ll just be leaf-peeping, but who is counting. It’ll be worlds away from all of this economic trauma. We’ll leave a message on our phone noting that we are away studying Al Gore’s global warming. We never once believed it was true, but we were always sure it was a scam to make old Big Head richer than ever.

AS IF.

We loved the second night of Dancing with the Stars. Brooke Burke looked amazing and we love the teenage lovefest that is Julianne Hough and the boy she’s dancing with (where did he come from; he looks like they plucked him from some high school or maybe the Disney lot?) We think Lance Bass is getting hosed by the judges, perhaps being held to a higher standard because he’s a boybander. But Toni Braxton is also a performer and she doesn’t seem to get the same scrutiny. Sometimes, this show lets you see who is NOT cool and also lets you find out who is cool but nobody knows it. Ya know. (Screw the syntax. We’re on a roll.)

So….Clay Aiken is gay. That boy has had a hard row to hoe these last few years, being asked all the time and so publicly about his sexuality. Like it was anyone’s business. That said, no shock. Anyone who thought he was straight is some no-date fatty or some middle-age nutcase cat hoarder, right? Those Claymates will forgive him. Really, they just think he’s talented with great energy. And he is. We’re glad that he did this on his own time and in his own way — which is the way it ought to be for everyone. And so we say Godspeed Clay — and your little munchkin is adorable. He seems like the kind of guy who has the heart to be a great dad.

While we are on the gay thang: NOT BELIEVING FOR ONE SECOND THAT LINDSAY LOHAN IS GAY. We do believe she’s pushing the exploratory envelope with Sam after a tough time in her life. But as for this being some sort of permanent thing: We think not. And we worry that poor Samantha is going to get her feelings hurt badly.

That said, we LOVE Samantha’s music and urge you to get to her myspace account to hear more for yourself. It’s fab. She needs more exposure for that rather than Linds.

In other more personal news: Should we get bangs? Long ones? Maybe some face-scrapers like Sarah Palin? Or are bangs kinda whitetrashy? Hard to say. We’re thinkin.

xoxo

There’s so much going on in the world, we had to reorganize and move our little corner of the cyberworld to a proper — and superpink — place. We hope you like the new site. It’s overseen by our E commerce guru, but you’ll hear more about him later. He’s a whole column.

What you need to know now is we’re back to dish on fame, fashion and fortune, particularly the foibles related to all these. Stay tuned as we tee off on our favorites. No one is sacred.

We miss y’all. Don’t be strangers.

xoxo The Diva